February 12, 2014

Subject:  words

Hi Dr. Brian,

I know I am gifted with words, but there are times when I cannot find adequate language.  Sometimes I am accessing preverbal material, and other times language just feels inadequate.

Regarding Monday, I am grateful that you did your best to hold the space even when conditions became quite uncomfortable and challenging.  [The session was very difficult.  I was highly agitated and didn’t know why.  The feelings were so intense and distracting that Dr. Brian said it was affecting the field and his ability to stay present.  Subsequent to this I learned more about the cause of my agitation.  My discoveries are documented in this email and also in the email dated February 13, 2014.]  To be honest, I don’t think I fully felt what was going on inside me until I entered your office.  I think your energy, combined with mine, created enough safety for me to become more fully aware. 

I am also grateful you did not think I was crazy.  I mean, literally crazy.  That you did not allow the feelings I was presenting in the moment to cause you to lose all perspective of who I am.  I would not have blamed you.  It was pretty disturbing.  However, from your response, I gather that was not the case.

So, what I am trying to say is that we all need people.  Obviously I know you know that.  Sometimes things are bigger than us, and our individual field needs support during these moments in order to survive.  You provided that additional support, which first allowed the feelings to become fully conscious, and then allowed me to have just enough connection with my true self so I could hold, on my own, what was going on inside and slowly find my way home.

As I told you in the office, I feel this energy nagging around me.  I feel it wants something from me.  I am going to engage in dialogue with it after setting up proper protection.  Sometimes it is risky to engage with the darker side.  But I am very clear that this energy is still present, kind of tapping on my shoulder for my attention, so I will cautiously engage with it, knowing that I can disengage at any moment and call for light and protection if I need it.

You are right, I am on a journey.  But Monday was not fun in any sense.  You said you are grateful to be part of my journey, and I am grateful to have your support and unique contribution to this chapter of my healing.

sending you a warm hug filled with gratitude,

Laura