Trauma and Cancer | cancer-theteacher.com

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I made my first drawing in 1991, two years after beginning psychotherapy. The drawing is named “I loved you Grampy.” It was the start of giving voice to my childhood issues through art.

While my sexual trauma history is extensive, trauma of all kinds can and does impact the body—abandonment, loss, grief, car accidents, violence, natural disasters . . . the list is exhaustive. The memory of trauma, no matter its origin, resides in the body and must be addressed there. If it is not addressed properly and fully, it can lead to disease. Although not all illnesses have a trauma component, many do; thus, to heal completely, one must at least explore potential underlying psychological and emotional issues (preferably with the support of a therapist or a healer). Most serious illness is multifaceted and therefore must be approached on multiple levels.

In my case, molestation became a recurring theme in my psychotherapy. Molestation, unlike rape, is usually not an act of violence but rather an act of seduction. When a child is molested, erotic touch evokes feelings of pleasure and sometimes orgasm. While the young body is physically capable of such sensations, it is an overload of stimulation to the developing brain and body of the child. The result is self-hatred and shame for the loss of control and the experience of pleasure that the child innately knows is wrong. If the molestation is between family members, the shame and self-hatred is intensified even further. Incest survivors have the highest rate of suicide—mostly because of the deeply rooted shame that is rarely talked about.

For two years, I created images mainly using only the colors red, navy blue, and black. If you trace my growth as an artist, youwill see that my palette expanded and color became my world, a symbol of all the life and vibrancy inside me. I found a way to paint these most difficult feelings while maintaining the passion and vibrancy in my work. It became not just a way of painting but a way of life for me.

Personally, I believe that the rage I turned against myself was the strongest catalyst for my cancer. Many people are abused and don’t get cancer, and many people get cancer who have not been abused. THE CAUSES OF ONE’S CANCER MUST BE EVALUATED AND ADDRESSED ON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS. For me the psychic and psychological links to my cancer are immense, but still there are many other factors.

I share these drawings because for fifty years I have kept silent. I am a powerhouse of creativity that was stifled into silence out of fear. I share these drawings not out of anger, but out of a need to relinquish. It is unclear how much time I have left, and my soul has held this burden for a long time. It’s time to let go. I don’t want to carry this with me to my grave. It’s time to turn this into something positive and let the world benefit from all my efforts.

It is my hope that these drawings and paintings will touch a chord in anyone who has been abused or violated, or who has experienced a loss in any way. It is my hope that this art can act as a connection between us, so that we can better understand each other. Only through compassion for ourselves and for each other can we heal individually and as a human race.