When I first launched this website, I excluded this letter and the letter that follows titled Taking Charge: Part Two. I excluded these letters because I was still afraid to speak in an uncensored manner. Most of my life I was paralyzed be fear, my lips frozen. I realize now, that part of my healing is to face this fear, and let the stream of my words flow freely. In the present, there is really nothing to fear, but this pattern of stifling myself is deeply ingrained in me and sometimes I hold back or change my choice of words without being consciously aware that I am allowing fear to dictate me.

Taking Charge: Part One

May 11, 2014

Subject: my parents

Dear Dr. Brian [my light touch chiropractor],

My father called me this morning. In Mexico, all calls say unknown on my cell phone. I did not pick up but I did listen to the voicemail before I realized it was my father. After I told my brother to tell him and my mom that I did not want to see them, he is still pressuring me. I’m in the hospital, fighting for my life, and my father continues to call asking if he can visit. I told my brother to tell them, that if they come to the hospital that I will write on my tombstone, “My parents killed me.”

I realize I have to handle my father differently. My brother has been acting like a human shield between us. Even though I have no contact with my father, his energy is still alive within me and if he ruminates on me or starts calling and leaving messages, I feel like he is trying to nail my coffin.

At the same time, YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME, the worst thing I can do for my body right now is go into trauma mode [Trauma mode is what I call the physiological state the body goes into when in a life threatening situation. It affects brain chemistry and the central nervous system as the body goes into high alert. This state of being produces high stress which weakens the immune system], so I am going to stop right now and take a few deep breaths.

Today, when I got my father’s voicemail, I could feel that I was being called by the universe to respond differently. I can not live in fear, or constant worry that they will show up. And really, AS DESTRUCTIVE AS MY FATHER IS, I CAN NOT LIVE IN FEAR OF HIM ANYMORE. WHEN I LIVE IN FEAR OF HIM, I GIVE HIM ALL MY POWER. So I envisioned my true essence filling my body. I envisioned them in the hospital and me responding to their invasion, calmly. I created a story where they could no longer take away my serenity. AND THEN I CALLED MY FATHER. The universe was telling me clearly, I had to change my way of responding. I had to take charge. I had to realize that my father can not make me lose myself unless I allow it.

So I called my father, without fear, strong, and said the following, “I have asked that you give me space to heal at this hospital. If you have one ounce of love for me, then you will respect what I need and won’t call. Every day that you don’t call, I will say, my father respects my wishes and I will use every ounce of energy I have to heal my body. Every time you call, I will say, my father does not respect my wishes. He does not want me to live. We can not heal the family at this time. I have to heal my body. That comes before everything.”

My father says he won’t call. Of course, what he says and what he does are often two different things. But the point is, I have to change how I respond. I can no longer live in fear of him. I have to practice visualizing my father in front of me while remaining calm and staying connected to my true self. My best defense is to fill my body with me. That completely disarms him. It is also important not to engage in an argument with him as that will deplete me —and not to curl up panicked, worrying what his next move will be.

Actually, calling my father from a place of strength, not fighting with him, standing in my true self, and stating my needs firmly…reduced slightly the pain in my abdomen [I had been feeling intense pain in my abdomen the prior few days] and made me want to fight harder for my life and healing, because the biggest revenge I can have, IS TO LIVE.

I am not talking about a life fueled by revenge. I am just saying how I handled my father, made me feel lighter, and made me want to fight harder for myself and made me believe even further in my capacity to heal. I will sign off for now. More later…

[the next morning…]

Last night, after this encounter with my father, I had intense dreams about my younger self. I wish I could remember the dreams more clearly. I think I was age eight. I don’t remember many of the details but following is what I do recall:

The dream was very long. It seemed to be a long series of chapters that unfolded one after the other throughout the night. The girl in the dream was not allowed to talk. She was classified as “crazy” and all her powers had been taken away.

When I awoke the next morning, the first thing I noticed was that the pain in my stomach had subsided even further. I began wondering about this girl, who she was and how she might be connected to the pain in my stomach. I wondered what she would say if she could talk. I mean, I know she is me, but is she a part I am conscious of? And what does she need? And how can I find her?

I think the dream is related to my taking charge with my father. I realize that my biggest weapon against my father is filling my body with my authentic self. He does not have power against that kind of light. If I am the scared child, or the angry child, he will try to move in for the kill. But if I am filled with my radiant light, I render him powerless. He is defenseless in the presence of my light. So I don’t need to fight or be scared, that gives him power. I just need to radiate and shine from my inner being, and speak from strength and confidence.

And perhaps today, I spoke for that girl in my dreams, who wasn’t allowed to speak and perhaps I gave her some of her power back.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like shit, but I feel some new energy in my system, that wants to keep trying, where a few hours ago, my tank felt empty.

Now I will see how this relates to the cancer…



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