My connection with Mateo (my LA dance teacher and friend) deepens as we spend more time together. Opening myself to Mateo felt risky as I was due to move in less than a week, and was still unclear how he felt about me. He seemed to send mixed messages and I called my friend Joy multiple times for emotional support. I was born and raised in St. Louis and lived there my entire life before moving to L.A. Joy was one of the few people from St. Louis who I maintained contact with.

Satisfaction in the Parking Lot

August 21, 2012

Hi Joy [longtime friend from St. Louis],

I know you called me back last night. Sorry I missed you. I was already with Mateo.

It was interesting because the moment I saw him, he was warm, he asked for a hug, and the connection was strong.  The connection felt so natural and everything unfolded with such ease.  We drove one car and parked near the beach.  We took a long walk on the sand, stopped for a while, and then had a long walk back.  We watched the sun set.  There was so much to take in.  Conversation flowed nicely, the best ever; there was a lot of laughing and also a lot of comfortable silence.  Things felt very grounded and real.  The environment was so pleasant . . . our feet in the wet sand . . . looking at all the sand castles and other sand creations left over from the day . . . watching the sun set . . . looking at the moon . . . feeling the shifts in temperature . . . watching the red of the setting sun cast a red shadow on the sand . . . the natural beauty of life was our landscape . . .

Afterward we walked to the car and sat on a bench for a while and took in the night air, and then he drove me back to my car.  We hugged by my car . . . there was more touching and more warmth, and several times I felt we were on the verge of kissing, but we did not.  Finally, in one of the moments when we were embracing and our lips were inches apart, I said, “I think we should kiss.”  And we did, and then we were physical in the parking lot for well over an hour.  The kissing was really good and satisfying, and hands were everywhere.

He was very loving and sensuous with his touch.  He has strong hands and gave me an amazing scalp massage, and really pretty much massaged me all over.  It’s kind of funny that we were physical for that long standing fully clothed in a parking lot leaning against a car.

He ended the evening saying, “a pleasure,” and I said, “mutual,” and then I lunged into him for another kiss, and then we parted.  I thought saying good-bye to him would be wrenching, but actually I feel zero pain.  I can’t explain it.  I feel satisfied, not sad.  I know that may sound weird.  I was actually sadder the last time I said good-bye to him, in my apartment.

I feel a deep sense of peace and I am SO!!!!!!!!!!!! glad I went.  I’m also glad I said, “I think we should kiss,” because I don’t know if he would have crossed the line on his own, and then I would have ended the evening with a hunger.  I knew I would regret that.

When it was time to say good-bye, I teased him that this was a triple déjà vu.  This was our third time saying good-bye.  First when I stopped taking dance lessons with him, second when he took me to my doctor’s appointment, and now after our intimate evening at the beach.  Each time was beautiful, special, and unique.

So, I think I’m going to eat a light snack and go to bed with a smile on my face and a feeling of contentment inside.

Joy, I know I keep saying this, but I am so surprised there is no pain.

Thanks for “coaching me” this afternoon :)



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