Subject: anxiety on the verge of change

To: Dr. Brian [my light touch chiropractor]

Due to the growth of my tumors, I have decided to go to Mexico to receive treatments that are not yet legal in the U.S. I’m considering two options. Option One is Stella Maris Clinic. It’s an outpatient clinic five days a week. Option Two is Angeles Oncology. This would be in an inpatient hospital setting. Right now, I’m waiting to hear from Stella Maris. I sent them my records and am waiting to hear from the director. The waiting is anxiety provoking.

I understand why the news about the tumor growth would be scary. I understand how my body could feel as it did in the past . . . that it is being attacked, invaded . . . and there is a sense of helplessness. There is also anxiety from waiting to see if I will be accepted into Stella Maris. Right now I think this is my first choice. Although the waiting is anxiety provoking, it also reminds me of one of my spiritual lessons:

“No” means wrong way.

From my spiritual self, I know that if I get a “no” from anything in the universe, then it wasn’t the right way for me, and a more appropriate resource will arrive. THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO FOCUS ON WHEN I FEEL THE ANXIETY. I know from life experience, over and over again, that “no’s” are not bad things—they are just a road sign saying “wrong way.” I may think what I want is the way to go, but there may be a more appropriate way that would better serve me that I cannot see yet or that has not yet arrived. I have experienced this OVER and OVER in my life. I can watch and feel the old trauma responses, but I need to try to breathe into this larger perspective and way of being. I need to let go of the clinging and grasping. Those are old ways that no longer serve me.

I can feel my breath beginning to expand. I also still feel the contraction in my heart. All of this will pass soon . . .

Laura