Life is full of surprises. During this time of intense loss and grief, I continue to find joy, beauty, and fulfillment.

Intimacy after Mastectomy

October 10, 2011

To: theater group

Hi everyone. It seems a lot is going on internally and I wanted to share some of my process with you dear ladies who have accompanied me on this journey.

I am in a relationship. His name is Sean. Today it has been one month since I met him. Regarding my right breast, it has been a fascinating and surprisingly positive journey. About a week ago, I showed Sean my right breast and had him touch it in a nonsexual context because I knew I could not have sex if I was worrying about what he thought about my breast. As you ladies know, the reconstruction is in progress. I never imagined in a million years I would have sexual intimacy under these circumstances. The plan, understandably, was to wait till after the second surgery, both to date and to have sex. But as you know, I abandoned that plan early on because “Life is Now” and I chose to just leave the door open without any expectations. It goes against my spiritual growth to arbitrarily close a door, and I believe it would have held back the movement in my life.

So I explained to Sean in detail about the mastectomy procedure. [In the first surgery, the breast tissue is removed and an expander is put into the breast. The expander is filled with air weekly until the desired size is reached. Then, during the second surgery—the one I would undergo in just over two weeks—the expander is removed and the implant is put in.] I let Sean feel the expander and I explained in detail what would happen in the upcoming surgery and in what ways my breast would be different after the surgery. He dealt with it fine, and was not put off in the slightest. Shortly after that we started getting more sexually intimate.

I told Sean, regarding getting sexual, that the right breast was the entrance in. I don’t know if that will make sense to you ladies, but it was such a powerful and spiritual realization for me. That part of my body has been through so much, both as a child and then with cancer and the return of cancer. I have to integrate this breast into my body; I cannot look at it as an object that is just attached. The right breast sacrificed itself so the rest of me can live. I cannot look at it as a deformity or something I shun. So I told Sean, “The opening to my body is through my right breast. It has to begin there. And only when that part has been acknowledged can the rest of me open up to you.” I don’t think he fully understood, but he was willing to comply. During the touching I felt some shame, as if he didn’t really want to be touching my right breast but was doing so because I requested it. He told me afterward that he “made love” to me no differently than if I had not had the mastectomy and that he found both breasts erotic. I know that sounds hard to believe, but it felt like he was speaking the truth. BUT EVEN MORE SHOCKING, there was a great deal of feeling and AROUSAL when he touched the right breast. I know Western doctors claim this to be impossible, but I know what I experienced. I can’t know for sure why, but here are my theories. The breast is still sensitive to energy and can both give and receive. I learned that with my crystals. I believe my crystals have helped the energy zone continue to resonate with life. Traditionally there has been such erotic pleasure and such warmth emanating from that zone, so there may still be body memories. Also, my spirit still resides in that space. I don’t know if it was a one-time thing, but I am sure I will find out with time.

So even with my mastectomy in progress, I am only minorly self-conscious being naked with Sean. I know he finds me highly attractive and erotic, so that certainly makes things much easier.

As I told my friend Jenny, Sean has arranged his travel schedule to be in town for the last surgery, which is Friday, Oct. 28. He will spend the night Thursday, take me to the hospital Friday morning, and spend the first week of recovery living in my home so he can support me. It is all a little shocking, in a good way. I was so blessed by you ladies, so deeply graced by your love and support, so nourished by your beauty and depth during the first part of the mastectomy . . . and now the universe is providing AGAIN during the second part of the process!!!

Normally I wouldn’t share such intimate details about a lover, but under these circumstances I think you understand why I am sharing.

Life continues to unfold in ballooning waves.

love, love, and more love,


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