I returned from Mexico in a depleted state—both physically and mentally. I was kind of in a state of shock as I tried to orient myself back into the familiar surroundings of home. As I began to tune in with myself, guidelines for my continued healing became clear.

I Am My Worst Enemy

June 2, 2014

Subject: road map to healing

Dr. Brian [my light touch chiropractor], this is a very important email. You already support me in what I am about to speak of, but it is imperative that I make a declaration in this moment. I will call this declaration “A commitment to self-healing.”

Dr. Brian, it has been pointed out by several people (including you), that I have powerful energy but I do not always use it constructively. Potent energy is a gift, but like most things in life, it is actually neutral. How I use it determines if it will be a positive force in my life or the life of others.

Yes, I was hit hard by my three week hospital stay in Mexico, [This letter is written shortly after my return from the Immunotherapy in Mexico. I came back in a very depleted state. This did not mean that treatment was ineffective but the process did take a huge toll on my body and spirit. For more info on my treatment in Mexico, you can view my “Back from Mexico” video.] but the truth of the matter is, there will continue to be drains on my energy. For example, fever is back this evening. [Fever is a common side effect of immunotherapy. Doctors who administer immunotherapy believe fever is a sign that the immune system is being activated.] I am also experiencing inflammation and swelling which is painful and uncomfortable. [Inflammation, like fever, is also considered an immune response. Inflammation is often the body’s first defense when a tissue or organ becomes infected, irritated or damaged in other ways. While the swelling and inflammation could be a sign that the immunotherapy is working, it is difficult to distinguish it from tumor growth.]

Pain management is becoming a very serious issue. I am experiencing pain mostly in my hips and sacrum [due to bone metastases], and also in my entire torso where the tumor load is large. This pain is usually associated with very high agitation and a marked drop in mood. The level of suffering is so pronounced that I find myself quickly engrossed with thoughts of ending my life. Nighttime is almost always the worst, but I can have this pain during the day as well.

So as I settle back into my home in Marin, after my stay in Mexico, I find myself kind of arriving back in pieces :). At first I felt like I was floating, like a shell of my body was here but the rest of me was still in Mexico. Have you ever watched Star Trek, when they use the transporter? I felt like my body was in that discombobulated state when it is changed into nonsolid matter during the transport. I am finding my mentality is arriving back first. I can now think and formulate thoughts clearly. I think this is so I can prepare for the arrival of the rest of me :) The message that is coming through strongly now is:


I have to be positive and peaceful 24/7. I am intense, I know you know this. I could spend a week building up energy reserves and then deplete myself in 5 seconds with a negative thought or some ranting and raving tailspin that I dive into: There is ZERO room for that right now. That is the message I am receiving. I CAN get stronger even with the current energy drains IF I create a peaceful inner and outer world and maintain that 24/7. No more screaming at my mom, no more suicidal rampages, no more self-doubt . . . it is just too counterproductive to my healing at this point.

I continue to receive the message: [when I say “receive the message” I am referring to thoughts of wisdom that rise into my consciousness when I am still and calm.] “This is a time of great care and gentleness. Your body knows DEFINITIVELY what it needs and wants. Treat your body with kindness, including the thoughts about your body.”

As I pondered this message, I thought of the many ways I am not kind to my body. I have noticed recently repulsion towards my whole torso. I don’t like to look at or touch my torso. It is difficult to look at the changes to my body as a result of the mastectomy of my right breast. There is visible tumor growth over my heart and on my left breast. My liver is so swollen that though I am emaciated, I almost look pregnant. But instead of responding with compassion, I respond with disgust. My body feels alien to me. I do not recognize this body. It does not feel like mine. THESE ARE NOT NICE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT MY BODY. MY BODY IS TRYING VERY HARD TO HEAL, AND I AM SENSITIVE TO TOUCH AND WORDS, SO MY BODY KNOWS WHAT I AM THINKING AND IT KNOWS WHAT I AM FEELING WHEN I TOUCH IT. So I have started saying, “I love my body” when I put lotion on, even if I cannot completely resonate with the statement. I do feel an immediate positive shift when I make that statement.

After this harrowing journey, all the elements are slowly falling into place. I just have to NOT GET IN MY OWN WAY. That is the main message the universe is sending me . . . listen to my body, be kind to it, let it guide me, respect it and love it… create an inner and outer world that supports healing . . . and don’t fuck it up with your old patterns :)

Okay, Dr. Brian, Blessings and see you on Wednesday . . .


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