August 17, 2015

Dear Rick, Dawn, Catherine, Dr. Brian, and Rose, [my inner-inner circle]

I began chemo today. I feel an odd combination of hope and sadness. There has been a strange shift in me. The recent signs of tumor growth have plunged me into a deeper level of consciousness and I see all kinds of changes in me. I am calmer, so much less reactive. What used to set me off doesn’t. It’s hard to explain.

I use my energy more efficiently. For example, regarding my father, I was very clear that I did not want to see him during this time. He was due to come in town last Friday. When my mom gave me the news that my father was coming to visit, I simply stated, “I do not want to be around his energy right now, and if the only way to have you here is to have him here, then I may need to send you home.” I said it with complete calmness. My mom talked with my dad and he did not come in town. In the past, I would have called my dad to try to make him feel better, to try to repair the connection, but I did NOT call him. I felt no desire or need to “repair” or “explain myself” to him. He did call and leave a message on my cell phone. I cannot erase messages until they are playing, so I played the message with my finger on the delete button and pressed it the nanosecond it was possible.

I have entered the sacred. With my father around, it is too difficult to stay in the sacred because I cannot be totally authentic and honest. The truth is “I do not like this man.” I don’t like his energy. I don’t like his personality. I don’t like how he carries himself in this world. Being around him – speaking with him – is an unpleasant experience. Life is short. Why would I want to spend one nanosecond speaking to a person who I don’t like? Most of my life, I tried to create this middle ground where I could be in both worlds—their world (where my parents live) and mine—but it is a compromise that has cost me my health and almost my life. You are either in sacred space or you are not. You cannot have one foot in and one foot out. It just doesn’t work that way. Now, let me clarify, I am not filled with rage, and I am no longer scared. In fact I feel quite peaceful and calm. I just have no desire or need to speak to my father and I am honoring the truth of that.

As I enter the sacred, I find less need to control. I catch myself “analyzing” and return to present moment. I stop trying to predict the future. I stop trying to control the future. From this state of sacredness, I discover a shift in perceptions:

Perhaps the cancer has shown itself again, because there is more work to be done. These internal changes that are taking place will better support my long term health and sense of well-being. Perhaps this is the beginning of the end or perhaps I will look back on this years down the road and see it as a “bump of awakening.” Regardless, my only true job right now is: returning to the sacred, over and over again…

blessings and gratitude to each of you for your support,

Laura