After many months of successful tumor suppression and living life like a cancer free woman, I received the news that my tumors were active again. I lay in bed in a state of shock processing this information. As I lay in deep still silence, I felt this surge swell within me to call Dr. Brian (my light touch chiropractor). The next morning I followed up on our conversation with an email.

Dazed and In Shock

August 11, 2015

Subject: follow up

This is a follow up to our conversation last night. It is helpful to me to at least compose my thoughts. I know you offered your “support” but I also understand the limits of what you can offer. We are no longer in a professional relationship [It had been 9 months since I had seen Dr. Brian for chiropractic care], and you can not carry the weight of this, and it is not yours to carry. But for old time’s sake and at least in this moment, I will accept your offer to “listen”.

I was scheduled to make my next video the first week in September. Due to the decline of my physical and mental state, I felt unable to follow through with that commitment. I love making videos. It is usually fun and inspiring, but right now I don’t have the passion or stamina to do so. I contacted, Sam, my video man, to give him the news. Here is an excerpt from an email I sent to him:

“… Medically I am facing some new challenges, so I am not sure when I will have capacity to make videos again. I am very grateful for your assistance in the documentation of my journey. The success is not measured by my medical outcome but by how I lived my life and the healing of my soul— which is enduring. I will be in touch when my path is clearer.”

So I am finding my way back to compassion instead of shame, disgrace, self-blame, and devaluing. [During my conversation with Dr. Brian, I expressed shame and feelings of failure over the return of my tumors. While intellectually I knew these feelings were harsh and distorted, it was nevertheless truly how I felt.] In addition to regretting not being able to experience relationships in my new soul energy, I also will regret not having an opportunity to wear all the pretty earrings and hats that I now own. [As a way to cope with the hair loss from chemotherapy, I had created a new style for myself which showcased earrings and hats. For more info, see Healing Through Exuberance- Part One] I get so much pleasure from my collection and it saddens me that there may not be enough time to wear it all :) [These are some of the losses I felt as I contemplated the possibility that I might be dying.]

It is also sad that I have no companionship or company during this time. If I die, it will be alone. But I have the deep peace of having my soul energy in tact. And of course, I have the larger support of the spirit world, which has always held me with great love and support when I allowed it. I cannot change the reality of my circumstances, and I would rather be alone than surrounded by the energy of the past. Feeling my soul without all the external and internal interferences is so peaceful, and no one can take that away. If I did have companionship of somebody’s company that I genuinely enjoyed, it would take the edge off and I might find a little more will to try but that is not the circumstances I am left with. I tolerated the “alone” because I did not have the energy for more and I saw it as temporary, as a stepping stone to the beginning…

I think that is enough for now. I am going to get outside for a bit. Please let me know this was received.

thank you,


Back to Letters Index Next Letter
© Copyright Laura Rennard - Web Hosting by Mosaic Data Services - Photos by Sarah Clarehart Photography