August 12, 2015

Subject: update

To: my inner-inner circle

For right now, I have reduced communication to the four of you as I feel myself drawing inward. While everything I have shared with my inner circle has been personal, I don’t think there is anything more personal than dying. For that reason, I am surrounding myself with a smaller, tighter circle. This new tighter circle includes: my brother- Rick, my cousin who I grew up with- Dawn, my movement/theater teacher and spiritual mentor- Catherine and Dr. Brian who provided specialized chiropractic care and was my primary support during a good portion of my healing. Welcome to the inner-inner circle :)

The tumor growth now seems to be accelerated. I can see significant visible changes in just the last 24 hours! I have stopped almost all treatment as I assess and wait for guidance. In Stage Eight of my treatment, I transitioned from chemotherapy to an alternative treatment plan. Stage Eight of my healing had two components—Proleukin and Zenatane. Proleukin is an immunotherapy drug that is supposed to increase NK number and function. NK cells are the natural killer cells in our immune system that kill cancer. I gave myself daily injections which often triggered fevers that weakened me and kept me in bed for 4- 6 hours several times a week. The fevers were supposed to be a good thing as it was an indication that my immune system was being activated, but now I am not so sure. Perhaps I was suffering needlessly or perhaps in my case, it was just not enough. The other medication, Zenatane, is taken in pill form. It is prescribed to reduce angiogenesis which is the feeding of tumors by nearby blood vessels. Cancer can not survive and spread without angiogenesis. Some of the side effects of the Zenatane are depression, suicidality, and anxiety. I experienced mental instability on the Zenatane that grew with time. Because my mood had become so unstable, and because these treatments did not seem to be helping much (as tumors were growing), I chose to stop both these treatments-the Proleukin and Zenatane- as I continued to assess. I was on the Proleukin and Zenatane protocol for about three months before I noticed the tumor growth.

In addition to the Proleukin-Zenatane protocol, I decided to add infusions to my regimen about two weeks ago. My intention with the infusions was twofold:

1. To help keep my tumor load down and
2. To support my healthy body and help it recover from the toxic effects of chemo.

I began high dosage Intravenous Vitamin C. The intention of this infusion was to reduce tumor load. I also began several other infusions to support my healthy body: Meyer’s Cocktail (a blend of essential vitamins), Alpha Lipoic Acid (to help with kidney and liver repair) and Amino Acids for gut repair, weight maintenance and general functioning. The infusions are costly, time consuming, uncomfortable and sometimes painful. I was at the infusion center for about 3 hours three times a week. I was willing to endure this because I was so tired of just “killing cancer” and I really wanted to give my healthy body more support. When the tumor growth resumed, I stopped the infusions along with everything else. I was not really on the infusions long enough to be able to determine their effectiveness, however I feel I need to stop them along with everything else in order to create an “empty womb”. Only with the womb empty, do I feel I can begin a new “creation” and find my direction. [When I say “empty womb”, I am using symbolism that I find helpful when drastic change is in order. For me, it symbolizes a mini-rebirth. Perhaps the analogy of a blank canvas may resonate more with you. If a canvas is blank, the possibilities are endless you can find what you truly desire, without distraction or limitation. You can discover what truly wants to be expressed within your soul. If you paint on a canvas that already has some markings on it, it is difficult not to be influenced and distracted by those markings. Your true soul expression may become distorted. So emptying the womb is similar to painting on a blank canvas.]

In summary: I was on the Proleukin/Zenatane protocol for about three months. I also took a variety of supplements aimed at keeping my tumor load down and supporting my healthy body. I had been taking about 50 pills daily. And on top of this, I had just begun the infusions. With all this work, the tumors still returned, and I find myself devastated and discouraged.

New possible treatment choices seem few and not very promising and I do not find myself moved to action. So right now I just wake up and live my day as best I can. The stress level is so high; I cannot utilize my help well. [I have care givers who support me with my daily needs.] I have always had to organize and order my team around :) Now I cannot think clearly enough to organize. My brain is so exhausted, so my help may leave for the day and it may dawn on me that there is nothing in the fridge for dinner because I did not have the capacity to think ahead and tell my help to prepare it.

There is more to say, but I think I will take a breath…

Thank you for your support.

Laura