My spirit heals after the mastectomy. Life is still rich if I open myself to it.


September 5, 2011

To: theater group

Hi all. It’s been a while. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings and thought it would be helpful to process and share them.

I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday [Labor Day].

I guess the theme of this e-mail will be attachment and fear.

In so many ways this is still such a scary time for me. I have never had to face “truth” in such a profound way, though that is not totally a true statement—pun intended :) I have always had to face truth, but I can’t quite articulate what makes this feel different. I hope I can even find the words to explain what I am experiencing.

I keep having this strong sense that I need to let go of all attachments and go through this “tunnel” alone. I cannot bring anyone with me. Not because no one is available but because, for some reason, I have to do it alone; it is part of the healing. It doesn’t mean I am going into a period of isolation—on the contrary. It just means that I feel called by “God” into a deep surrender into myself, which requires letting go of all attachment and, deeply and with every fiber of my being, trusting myself to go through the tunnel. I don’t know exactly what I mean when I say “the tunnel,” but that is the image that keeps coming to me—tunnel and fire.

Even Catherine [my movement theater teacher] has to go in certain ways. There is a part of me that wants to glob on to her, or anyone, in a way that is not healthy. It’s an old part of myself that is scared and needs constant reassurance, but that kind of seeking is consuming, and it eats me from the inside out. So if I could hold the insecurity, the fear and the feeling of extreme overwhelm, [When I say “hold” I am making reference to tolerating the feelings and nurturing them instead of just reacting in an impulsive manner to try to make the uncomfortable feelings go away] and hold it and hold it and hold it some more… If I can let go of all attachments [this is about creating new healthy attachments. In order to do that I had to go back to the origin, to the purest form of my energy] and completely surrender to MYSELF, collapse into my being with complete faith, melt into myself and let go of all human attachments and rely solely on myself and God—and go through the tunnel—then my sense is I can have healthy attachments and I will be purged of the attachments that bound me as a child.

(It’s interesting because we literally come into the world attached—the umbilical cord.)

But to transition to more concrete things, overall I am doing well. Work starts next week! That will be great for me! Physically I am doing well. I was doing push-ups three and a half weeks after the first surgery and rebounding [bouncing on a rebounder, or mini trampoline] at week four, which was way ahead of the doctor’s schedule, but he finally surrendered to my progress and stopped lecturing me about my “limitations.” He threw his hands in the air and said with a smile, “Whatever you’re doing, it’s working.”

The second surgery will probably be at the end of October, which is earlier than expected, but also good because it means I can be completely healed by January 1, 2012, and leave all this behind me, God willing.

I had a DATE yesterday, which went shockingly well! The night before, I was going to cancel the date because I was into the dark side of things and decided that I would not be capable of having fun and that it was ridiculous for me to date while the mastectomy and reconstruction are still in progress. But I also decided a few weeks ago that there was really no need to put off dating, that no one can tell with my clothes on, and I can just go out socially for fun . . . and if something does progress, then I can decide how to deal with it at that time.

He seemed to enjoy himself as well, but you can never tell for sure, so I am going to try to keep myself grounded and just celebrate the proof that I can still go out and enjoy myself and put “cancer” and the “mastectomy” on the back burner.

So ladies, this concludes my update.

love and blessings to all,


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