A visit from a friend brings joy and a glimmer of hope. They can take my breast, but it’s soul and energy live on.

After the Mastectomy: “I Don’t Break”

August 1, 2011

To: theater group

Good morning ladies, this is the update on my visit last night from Richard [my drum teacher].

Before the visit, I had a phone session with Catherine [my movement theater teacher] processing all the emotion surrounding this visit. After the session, I wrote an affirmation, “I allow myself the pleasure of Richard, while staying grounded in reality.”

Richard arrived and, instead of a normal knock, played a rhythm on my door. I responded with a rhythm, and very quickly this escalated into me pounding on the door with both my palms. Then I opened the door and Richard replied, “See, I told you, you need to be drumming.” :) He was referring to an outlet for my rage.

I showed him my new crystals, we took a short walk, and then I heated him a frozen pizza since he had been working all day and came straight from work. It was funny because I found myself becoming a bit maternal, offering him some kale with his pizza so he would be eating something “green” with the not so healthy pizza. Richard was very talkative, probably doing about 80 percent of the talking. It was a little “heady” for me, but not too bad. But when I did speak, he was a good listener. And then we watched Star Trek: The Next Generation. I had ordered the series on DVD from Netflix, and we both love this series.

He stayed about three hours, and when it was time to go, he asked permission to give me a hug. I replied with a smile, “I don’t break.” He smiled and hugged me with such gentleness, as if I were a porcelain doll. It was actually rather sweet. As he entered the hallway, I followed him and requested another hug. The first hug was full frontal body to full frontal body and the bodies were barely touching, no pressure. This second hug I led with my right breast, where the surgery was. I was a bit surprised that I did this, but I think that is how I normally hugged pre-surgery. It was very interesting because I pressed my right breast into his chest and that was our point of contact. What follows is really, really interesting, at least to me. Let me clarify, when I refer to my right breast, I am referring to the skin, which is now filled with an inflator, and a severed nipple. The nipple will have no sexual sensation and probably no sensation at all. The skin right now is very numb. I am told some feeling may return over the next two years but it will never feel normal. Some people describe the feeling as being touched with a glove. So, that being said, I was pleasantly surprised to see that though the “breast” cannot feel touch, it can feel energy. This is a huge and important distinction. The hug was experienced exactly as it would have been pre-mastectomy. The numbness and hollowness of my breast did not interfere AT ALL with the exchange of warmth/energy. This phenomenon continues to fascinate me as I work with my crystals daily on this breast. The breast has the capacity to hurt and to receive relief. It may not feel the “touch” of the crystals, but it can receive the crystals’ energy and be soothed by it. After the treatments, the right breast “feels better.” The breasts cover the heart, so this was very concerning to me, as it felt like not only was my breast numb but also a part of my heart was numb. It is numb to “touch,” but its response to energy so far remains unaltered.

Thank you again, ladies, for joining me on this journey,

much love to you all,


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