On a more positive note, I have taken charge of my treatment. I am requesting that my treatment be consolidated to one doctor, and I will be doing follow-up once a year, not every six months. Also, I am dealing with the doctors from my strong sense of self and not from fear, so the dialogues are changing. Instead of the doctors just telling me what I need to do, they are now listening and responding more truthfully, which allows me to make more informed decisions. The doctors are actually very scared, which usually activates my fear, and then decisions are made by the exchange of fear. Since I am standing strong in my own energy, the doctors are actually modifying their recommendations. It is shocking to see. My doctor started out by saying, “You will have to go back on tamoxifen,” saying it over and over. It felt like she was shoving the pill down my throat. When I came from a place of center, she said, “We really don’t know if it will help you, but we think it might.” She also said there is no research on the benefits of tamoxifen if you have already been on it and have been off it for over a year, which is my case.

Another interesting observation that made sense to me after I wrote the last group e-mail: I feel such anxiety and darkness around the cancer surgeon. I am much more comfortable around the oncologist. I was trying to figure out why, as I will be choosing a primary doctor soon. I think the reason I am so uncomfortable at the surgeon’s office is my “animal body” knows that “she uses knives.” It’s so astounding to me. I am convinced my body remembers her, even though she was wearing a mask. My body knows her energy, and my body knows “she uses knives.”

Thank you all so much for listening and providing this outlet. It allows for breath and release, so vital to healing.

love and gratitude to all of you,

Laura