Subject: Cancer and Communication

Dear Dr. Brian,

Today I am really struggling with the pain. The swelling in my abdomen is intense. It feels like someone is inside my stomach blowing up a balloon. Often this kind of pain makes me feel like I want to die, but I am very clear, I just want relief from the suffering. I know that if the suffering would subside, in a split second I would be back to my bubbly self. The distinction between wanting to die and wanting relief from the pain is an important distinction to make.

The cancer and the suffering feel “old,” perhaps even from previous generations. I have learned through my journey that I must change the way I think and relate to my past in order to fully heal. And as I change, so does my family system. But it begins with me.

As you know, I have a long, confrontational history with my father. I feel called by the universe to change the way I think about him and the way I respond to him. For me, this is an integral part of my healing. My brother has been acting like a human shield between us, as my dad and I both have potent energy. Right now I cannot do battle with my father’s energy. It will deplete critical energy needed for healing. At this stage in the game, I’m the only person I can control or change. So the question remains, “How I can I change the way I think and respond to my father to better support my own health?”

It has been six months since I’ve had contact with my father. I stopped contact because I felt it was the only way to survive. I needed clear boundaries and calm energy. Just hearing my dad’s voice can trigger me into “trauma mode.” That’s an old, reflexive response that needs to be reworked for my healing and survival. Again, “How can I change the way I think and respond to my father to better support my own health?”

It’s clear that my old patterns and ways of responding are no longer serving me. Usually I approach my father from a place of fear, and in doing so, give up all my power. Today, instead of contracting in fear, I envisioned my body being filled with my true essence. That light is my greatest power and my greatest weapon against all I feel threatened by. That light disarms my father and creates a bridge for communication. Often, when I speak to him, I become the small, scared and angry child. But the battleground is no place for a child, and no one can cause me to lose myself unless I allow it.

This is the time to reclaim myself.

So . . . I called my dad today, but I tried some new approaches. Instead of calling from a place of fear, I meditated before the phone call, envisioning my body being filled with my authentic self. I also envisioned my father in the room with me and practiced maintaining my authentic self in his presence. I’ve learned through the years that it’s not helpful to argue with my father. I will never win and I will only end up depleting myself. My dad is a master of intellect and can wrap my mind in a web that can take a lifetime to unwind, if I engage him. Thus, confrontation is rarely helpful. Calm, clear speaking of my needs is the best approach—with no expectations (since expectations set me up for disappointment).

Calling my father from a place of strength, not fighting with him, standing in my true self, and stating my needs firmly created a kind of earthquake in our communication patterns. The old was shaken, and from the rubble something new and healthier can be built. My father and I have a long road ahead of us, but this was the beginning of progress.

Now, onto the next question, how does this relate to the cancer?

There seems to be an ongoing dance between healing of spirit and healing of body. I suspect my understanding of this connection will deepen with time.

The mystery and journey continue to unfold.

Blessings,

Laura