December 9, 2013

Hi Valerie . . . you always email when I am thinking about checking in with you :)

I am continuing to enjoy the BEMER and to move up the levels.  I am now using level 3.

Overall, I am doing much better.  THE FURNACE IS OFF!!!!  [Due to the high level of stress, my metabolism went into overdrive, which I call the furnace.]  It has been off for seven days now.  I gained my weight back in a breath once the furnace was off.  Now I can eat more conservatively and make healthier choices because my caloric needs are dramatically less.  I am also continuing to sleep better.

Energy-wise, I go with the flow.  Overall, I have more energy; I can really feel the difference in my belly dance classes.  However, sometimes I am drawn to the bed for long periods of time . . . for integration and restoration.  Healing does take energy.  That is different than being weak and tired.  I prefer the words integration and restoration, as they frame the process in positive language.

Getting the support I needed with day-to-day tasks was essential to my healing.  I now have daily help at home with cooking, cleaning, and simple errands.  I am aware that I am still vulnerable, and my brain chemistry has not completely recovered from the recent “frying,” but that is UNDERSTANDABLE.  This is really the first time in my life I have ever been “taken care of.”  It is not just therapeutic and essential for the present, but it is healing my childhood deprivation as well.  Through my own childhood experiences and by observing and interacting with infants, I became curious about infant behavior.  For example, when a baby is held, it can relax its body into the points of contact; but when a baby is not supported, that is the worst trauma.  In the hospital, when the nurses feed these babies, THE BABIES HOLD ONTO THE BOTTLE DURING FEEDING; they cannot trust someone else to hold the bottle for them.  I am writing about this because when I got the news of the visitor (one of the names I have given the cancer), I felt like I was a baby trying to hold myself up.  Trying to do everything on my own almost broke me, and by asking for the support I needed, I no longer had to be the baby holding herself up.  I could allow my body to relax “and be held.”

So, that is my current update. Thanks for checking in and asking . . .

Laura