My brother, who lives in Toronto, visits me in Marin and we go together to see a lawyer to draw up my will. At this point, I am in a pretty incapacitated state, so I put most of my financial and legal matters into my brother’s hands. I include only three people in my will—my brother, my eldest niece and Dr. Brian (my light touch chiropractor). It comes as a surprise that I find myself moved to include Dr. Brian in my will. We have a profound connection that bypasses language and goes straight to the heart and soul. This connection would deepen with time, but the foundation was already strong.

Preparing for the Possible End

March 27, 2014

Dr. Brian, it is my intention to see you on Monday, but I do not want to spend our time having this conversation.  It is, however, a conversation that needs to be had . . . We will only have this “conversation” once, and then I will let it go . . .

The eating is enormously difficult again.  I can only eat a few bites, and everything makes me nauseous.  It is difficult to even take my supplements.  I cannot swallow all those pills at one time.  

I know you have watched me many times bottom out, and then out of nowhere find the resource to bounce back.  But we have to face the possibility that, one of these times, I may not bounce back.

As I said, I will see you on Monday, and I will see Dr. Halle (the naturopath oncologist) on Tuesday.  When I see Dr. Halle, I will not only discuss my medical condition with him but also my mental health and this new sense that I may be ready to leave this earth plane.

I hope, regardless of the outcome of my health, that you do not regret your investment in me.  Whenever my spirit leaves this earth plane—whether it be in the near or the distant future—my soul will be happier and more healed for the experience of knowing you.

I know I told you I left you my BEMER in my will, but that did not feel adequate because it’s a piece of equipment and I wanted to leave you something more personal.  I only have three people in my will—my brother, my eldest niece, and you.  Though I have spent a lot of my life in great isolation and loneliness, I have managed to forge at least fifteen to twenty significant connections.  I did not put you in my will because you are more important or significant than these connections . . . all I can say is that I was very tired, I didn’t have a lot energy to put into my will, so I just checked in with myself and did what felt right to me in the moment.  It is not a rational decision that I can explain.  My brother will be the beneficiary of all my personal belongings—paintings, crystals, etc.—and he will dole things out as he sees fit.  But my eldest niece has first pick of my jewelry, crystals, paintings, and so on, and I left you a crystal of your choice.

I chose to leave you a crystal because I have a lovely collection that I have used for healing.  Crystals tend to take on the energy of the environment and people around them so, in a sense, I would be leaving you a tiny bit of my energy.  Since you have been such a fan and supporter of “my energy,” it seems fitting that I should leave you a crystal.  I don’t know if you resonate with crystals, but I know you can find something that is aesthetically pleasing (and I suspect you will resonate with the energy of some of the crystals, as well).

We don’t have to talk about this.  I will probably just confirm that you received and read this when I see you.



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