After so much confusion and self-doubt around my eating and how to live the time I have left, a new guide appears and her name is: PLEASURE. “Pleasure” gently shows me the way and I slowly begin to move in flow again.


August 16, 2015

To: My Inner-Inner Circle

After a very difficult few days, I woke up this morning feeling a little refreshed. Well, actually, I was in a little physical discomfort but overall I was feeling better than I had been. I took a pain pill (I have reduced my dosage over the last few months from 75 mg/day to 20 mg/day). While the medicine was kicking in, I wobbled into the kitchen and grabbed my bag of dried unsweetened organic pineapple rings. For some reason, this food currently tastes like ecstasy to me. Still I am “supposed” to eat it moderately due to the high sugar content- though it is natural sugar- but this morning I finished off the bag, cherishing every bite, almost moaning…minutes prior I had been moaning from pain, now I was moaning in pleasure as my taste buds ignited from the juicy tantalizing burst of flavor. I kept thinking to myself, “I need pleasure. I need pleasure” and I savored each bite as if I had found the keys to paradise.

So this seems to be my new guide at the moment. How can I find pleasure? Sometimes it doesn’t seem possible and it may not be. Other times I just need to be a little creative. Last night I rebounded [bounced on my mini trampoline] for thirty minutes. I usually bounce for sixty minutes. In addition to reducing the time on my rebounder, I also reduced the intensity of my workout to about twenty percent of what I usually do. Most of the time I was just gently bouncing, feet not even leaving the rebounder surface. Ah, but it was movement, and my body LOVES movement. It was made to move. So I have to find ways whenever possible to move my body, but I have to listen and let my body guide me. I can not push my body. That will do harm. But if I seek pleasure, I will know exactly how to move and for how long. After feeling like a beached whale for several days, my body was so grateful to move. Just the gentle shaking of my cells from the subtle bouncing brought my body to a high state of gratitude as it just thanked me over and over again.

The food issues are also falling quickly into place as I modify some of my habits to better support my healing. In place of the organic wheat/corn crust goat cheese pepperoni pizza :), I came up with a new recipe that my caregiver, Nora, is preparing for me. All the ingredients are organic.

1. gluten free crust made from scratch
2. a thin layer of dairy free pesto (fresh garlic, fresh basil, lemon juice and olive oil)
3. sugar free pizza sauce
4. eggplant, spinach and heirloom tomatoes sautéed in avocado oil
5. ground turkey

As I indulge in this healthy tasty creation, I think to myself…WHO NEEDS CHEESE :)

I have also found a few protein shakes that agree with me and I add raw sunflower and pumpkin seeds for added calories, fat and protein. Sometimes I add fruit or dried coconut for flavor.

Also, I am enjoying my latest sandwich creation—gluten free bread with the dairy free pesto sauce with sliced avocado, heirloom tomatoes and beets. It’s quite tasty.

All of these changes and ideas came to me, when I stopped eating from my head and stopped eating from fear and started truly listening to my body. Then the universe brought ideas and resources to my attention, and I began to really taste food.

So that is where I am in this moment. I know there is a lot of uncertainty about the future and how long I will be able to weave pleasure into my life. I guess I will find out, one moment at a time…



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