May 31, 2012

Hi Mateo [Tango teacher in L.A.]. 

There is one more level to what we talked about that I desire to share. It is probably too personal to discuss in e-mail, so please don’t feel obligated to respond. We can follow up in person during our lesson.

First, let me say that I have a very good attitude right now regarding tango that is serving me very well. It was shocking to me when you said, “It’s like this isn’t the right dance for you.” It still surprises me when you “get me” so well. [I had been struggling with my love/hate relationship with tango for a long time. I loved the beauty and sensuality of the dance, but I struggled with boundary issues and issues of energetic protection. I had shared my feelings and concerns with Mateo.] However, the truth of the matter is, where I am right now it doesn’t matter if tango is a good fit for me or if I can make it work. In fact, at this stage of my life, I don’t try to “make” anything work. I know I am supposed to be exploring tango right now, and the process of exploration is far more important than whether it “works” for me or doesn’t. Tango is challenging for me with my high sensitivities, so sometimes it feels like a cosmic joke to be so powerfully drawn to something that in critical ways is not a good fit for me. Yet I am coming more strongly into myself as I go back into the tango world; I hold my space and experience it from this new place of being. I don’t need it to work, though I will probably be disappointed if I need to let it go again (I was DEVASTATED when I felt I had to quit tango two years ago for similar reasons), but I trust if it is still not a good fit for me, I will find something equally exciting and satisfying that is a good fit. So I win either way, and the process will create the path. The outcome is almost irrelevant.

Now to the deeper level I made reference to. It is actually cancer that brought me into tango . . . both times! I started tango less than two weeks after completing treatment for my fist cancer diagnosis. I eventually quit and started longing again for it after the mastectomy. I don’t really understand the connection, but I know there is one; it is not a coincidence. 

My prognosis is very positive and I have a very strong life force. I have been on a conscious path for decades, and I came into this world with high sensitivities that were set on fire by extensive trauma. Oddly enough, the cancer ripped me open psychically. For me, the cancer was a clearing . . . and I am still feeling the aftermath of that clearing and all the subtle shifts in my energetic being. I feel happier, stronger, brighter, more tuned in, closer to the “light” than ever. However, I no longer know my path. I am just following it an inch in front of me, one inch at a time, and trusting that it will form itself.

I think I have adequately released what I wanted to share :)

I will let you know how the experiment with dance protection goes . . . [When dancing tango, I had a tendency to feel and take on the energy of my partner. Mateo was teaching me techniques to release other people’s energy from my body and stay grounded in my own.]

Again, I am in deep gratitude for your listening and feedback, I feel relief . . .

Laura