While not rational, I find my sense of value and self worth, bruised by the recent news that my tumors are active again. I feel like a failure and a fraud. I search for meaning and value as I reach out to my inner-inner circle in this letter.

Intrinsic Value

August 14, 2015

Subject: the roller coaster

To: My Inner-Inner Circle,

I sit here in a chair, in front of my laptop, legs bent with feet on the edge of the chair seat, quads pressed tightly into my torso…arms wrapped around my bent legs squeezing me into a tight ball. My energy is low and my appetite small. I daze with a piercing energy, staring as if I could see right through “you” and yet I see nothing as I stare. I see nothing. I hear nothing. I am nothing…maybe if I stare hard enough, I can make it all go away.

My mind becomes active. I have not eaten enough. I am trying to only eat when I am truly hungry, to truly listen to my body, to stop eating at the first sign of fullness. No more mindless eating, no more just stuffing things down in a desperate attempt to meet some caloric goal. Through it all, I have still not learned this lesson, how to eat from a complete place of consciousness, how to let my body guide me. I fear if I don’t push or plan, I will just slowly lose weight again; which I am…I cry. While I have bursts of energy, already I can not do what I was doing. I don’t feel able to dance and be around people…I cry some more. I don’t feel able to care for myself as I can not plan past the immediate moment so I can not organize the people who are there to assist me. There is this sense of weak limp helplessness that seems to overtake my being, though there is still a lot of vital energy. I oscillate…and thus the roller coaster.

It’s hard to stay in the present moment and not build a story about tomorrow based on today. I don’t regret any of my treatment decisions or any of my life choices. I do regret that I have cancer. Choosing chemo was a SOULFUL decision, so to go and analyze it in my head is not productive and takes me out of the present moment. I don’t really like the present moment, yet I don’t want to be in the past and it is not possible to be in the future. So if I am not in the present moment, then where am I?

But there is still a need to try to process my circumstances, to try to wrap my brain around the incomprehensible, to put it into organized thoughts. But thoughts really only matter when they arise from soulful body, when they are integrated with all aspects of being. When I go into my head, and set up camp :) then I am no longer in present moment because I am just a talking head. There really is no meaning or purpose in the talking head. The mind is a beautiful valuable gift but it can also be a trap, a trap into unconsciousness, a winding twisting maze that can swallow your spirit.

So I found myself crawling to the computer in my despair, trying to write, to compose, so I could feel like I still have value and that I matter in some way…I crawled, clinging to the vision, that my life matters, that somehow I still matter. I used the composition of my writing to make it so…and the knowing that someone would be listening…I created the proof— that I still matter.



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