My feelings about the mastectomy of my right breast evolve with time. Sometimes I feel it was a necessary procedure that saved my life. Other times, I believe there were other paths that could have spared me this loss. In this letter to Dr. Brian (my light touch chiropractor) I share my intense emotions and try to make meaning out of my loss.

Grief over Mastectomy

January 17, 2014

Subject: concluding thoughts

Dr. Brian,

What I was trying to convey to you in the office was that when I thought I sacrificed my breast to save my life and that there was no other choice, it was an enormous loss but I felt I’d made the only possible decision.  Now, as I see myself healing and as I learn that there are other ways that are not harmful and cruel to the body and as I see how insane the Western practices are . . . I have to come to terms with the fact that I sacrificed my breast “for nothing,” that it was not necessary.  That is a hard pill to swallow, since I have to live with it every day.  It disgusts me.  I feel the procedure should be a crime against humanity.  [In hindsight, I realize it’s possible that the mastectomy bought me time.  I still feel that the procedure is barbaric and that the sacrifices endured are minimized by our culture.  This letter reflects my ambivalence and my grief as I continue to question what I am told and listen more deeply to my body and inner wisdom.]

But to walk the path that I’m now walking, you have to have fierce determination, self-awareness of your spirit and body, a high level of spirituality, a high level of intelligence, and be willing to break from mass thinking.  This means the vast majority of the population cannot take this route until the establishment has embraced it.

When you talk about “evolution,” that is how I find meaning in my loss.  I take my grief and I transmute it into a passion for something better.  If, through my process, I can make my small contribution to the “evolution” of humanity, then it will not be for nothing.  I am in a unique position because I understand and know well both the conventional and alternative healing worlds.  I see myself as a “bridge” between those two worlds.

Dr. Brian, I do not believe all conventional oncologists are bad.  And while money certainly fuels the current system, I believe there are other factors, as well.  For doctors to accept the truth, they must come to terms with the realization that they have committed their life to doing harm.  For patients to accept the truth, they must go through the grief I am going through, and most people would prefer denial to that kind of pain.

So, if indeed I make it to the other side of this, I believe my contribution to the planet will just be beginning.  I have this sense that my true soul purpose lies on the other side of this, and that is why I don’t think it is my time to die.  I feel far too alive, and this feels like a beginning, not an end.  And besides work, there’s too much fun to be had for me to check out now :)

I hope this was clarifying for you.

I look forward to seeing you on Monday.




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