November 14, 2013

Christine [previous psychotherapist/psychiatrist],

I need a refill of my prescriptions. 

I prefer not to have a session, as my energy is very limited and focused right now.  If you cannot refill the prescription [gentle sleep aid pills that Christine had prescribed when I used to be her patient years ago.  I still had an old prescription but was running low] without speaking with me, then we can do a short check-in, but I need to conserve my energy.

Actually, the first few weeks after the news, I needed no medication. However,  trying to sort through all the possible treatment avenues, and all the people with different ideas of how I should be eating, took a cumulative toll on me and I stopped sleeping and lost eight pounds.  My central nervous system was on overdrive.  The sleep aid allowed me to start sleeping again and I gained four of the pounds back.

I realize I need to catch these things as soon as possible before the situation has time to spin out of control.  Acupuncture is often helpful during these times.  When I realized my body was in trouble, it took me three days to get into the acupuncturist, so I held this elevated state for three days.  Now I have a standing appointment with the acupuncturist that I can cancel with 24-hour notice and a backup doctor for emergencies, so things should not escalate to this level again.

This journey is about meeting myself and setting real boundaries, as much as it is about restoring and maintaining my physical health.  The alternative medicine world is just as dogmatic as the Western, and there are many contradictions within the same discipline. In order to pave my own way, I have to be highly self-aware and have very strong boundaries.  I will not be the first person to clear myself of cancer through alternative methods.

I will share a short story.  I was feeling suicidal.  I asked myself, “Laura, why are you feeling suicidal?”  The answer I got was, “Because metastasized cancer isn’t curable, so why even try?”  Then my higher self said, “Did that idea bubble up in the pit of your stomach, ferment, and then slowly rise up your spine till your mental consciousness could sniff it?”  My smaller self said, “No, that idea came from the very network I am letting go of.”  My higher self responded, “What would happen if you just stopped grasping an idea that is not even yours?  Don’t even consider if it is right or wrong.  Just let go of it without evaluation simply because it is not your idea.”  In less than a second, I went from suicidal to peaceful and calm.  And that is when I understood the spirituality of this challenge.  I realized that I carry around so many ideas that I don’t even know are not mine, BUT OF EVEN GREATER IMPORTANCE, I lost touch with the sense that determines and evaluates how I feel about things, leaving me no way to judge or evaluate anything.  Through my childhood I became disconnected from the “pause,” where information is evaluated.  I just became a vessel that things were shoved into.  It is very scary at times, BUT I REALIZED I AM NOT SCARED TO DIE, I AM SCARED TO TRUST MYSELF and at times have to rediscover the very capacity to do so.

The bottom line is there is a cure for everything.  The human species has unlimited capacity.  If somebody says there is not a cure for something, all that means is that they personally have not discovered one yet.

Please hold me in positive, bright light and please see me as healthy.  I hold a vision of health for myself and I know the universe will align with that intention/vision and send me the resources I need to make it so.

I know this was a lot, Christine.  I hope you were able to digest at least some of it.

My body is starting to settle, but I am not quite where I need to be.  Once I settle, I think I will be okay for a while, and I will catch things earlier next time so they don’t escalate to the level they did.

Please let me know when the prescriptions have been called in, and of course if you feel moved to leave a message, please do so, but if you cannot authentically be positive, then please refrain, because I have no room for negativity or self-doubt.

Warm wishes always,

Laura