As I evaluate whether I want to go on with my life, I realize that suicide is not in my flow. When I think about planning my death, I get a headache which I see as an indication that I am not using my energy wisely. I call it “swimming upstream” or going against the current. As I let go of planning my death energy is freed up for new purposes.

Contemplating Life or Death

August 12, 2015

Subject: Update #2

To: My Inner-Inner Circle

As I continue to formulate a plan, I realize that it is not possible. I am not capable of thinking beyond the exact moment I am in, so that has become my plan. I have not chosen “life” or “death” or a treatment path, I have chosen to just feel what feels honest and honoring in every breath without pressure. If I feel hungry, I eat. If I don’t feel hungry, I don’t eat. If I feel moved to take my supplements, I take them. If I don’t feel moved to, I don’t. If I want to get out of bed, I do. If I feel unable or don’t want to, I try to accept that. I think by finding the truth for me in every breath and honoring it, the plan will take form on its own and the outcome will be what it will be. When I try to make plans to take my life on my own terms [I am referring to planning my suicide so that I am in control of how I die. One of my greatest fears is having a long, drawn out, bedridden death where I slowly watch my tumors take over my body], I get a headache and use up my energy, so clearly that it is not where my focus needs to be. I will have to live or die with the consequences of that.

Concentration wise, I think I am in the worst shape I have ever been in, and I feel pretty miserable and uncomfortable. Being in bed for long periods of time even if it is needed is difficult for me and physically uncomfortable. I have such a wild vibrant spirit. It hates being confined to the bed and so does my body. The true nature of my body is also vibrant and wild, so it also hates being confined.

I find myself crying over everything beautiful as I contemplate that I may be leaving the planet. There is so much beauty in this world. Now as I view this beauty, I cry as I imagine leaving it. This planet has been my home for a long time. The forces of nature are so magnificent, so powerful and alive, dynamic and raw in expression. The thought of leaving all that beauty saddens me.

This concludes update #2. More to come…hopefully :)


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