This letter documents the slow regaining of my independence after the mastectomy and my body’s attempt to process the trauma.

At Peace with Patches of Depression

August 7, 2011

To: theater group

Hello again lovely ladies,

Life continues to unfold in all its magical ways. Overall, I have been doing well, all things considered. June, the nurse, leaves this evening, but I feel ready. She was able to attend in a nonintrusive way, which was much appreciated, but I do feel a slight agitation to have my own space again. I can feel myself being drawn more deeply into self—both the joy of spirit as well as the pain over the ravishing of my breast. It will be easier to sink more deeply into myself when my space is totally mine again.

I think right now I am dealing mostly with my “animal body,” who does not understand why these humans with knives have slaughtered it. I know it is compounded by the childhood body violations, which were impossible to comprehend/process at the time. I trust I will sort through it all. But one thing is clear: “My body has had enough. It is done.” I will have one more surgery in a few months to complete the reconstruction portion of the mastectomy. I will try my best to prepare my body for it, but my body doesn’t understand language. It responds at a preverbal level, so it is difficult to comfort. It just weeps in confusion and panic asking the question, “Why?”

Overall I am at peace with patches of depression. It is to be expected.

I am looking forward to seeing everyone on Wednesday and to hearing how everyone else’s life is continuing to unfold.

love to all of you,


Previous Letter Back to Letters Index Next Letter


© Copyright Laura Rennard - Web Hosting by Mosaic Data Services - Photos by Sarah Clarehart Photography