January 6, 2014

Subject: Clarity

Dear Dr. Brian,

I woke up this morning still processing my reactions to you and your way of working.  I was thinking about our second session when, after the work on the table, I sat up and became aware how deeply “IN” I was.  When I am lying down receiving the treatment, I don’t realize how “IN” I am until I sit up and have to focus outward [When I say that I am “IN”, I am referring to being deep inside myself with all my awareness focused internally].  So I have that moment of realization that it’s difficult to focus on the outside world, that my eyes have difficulty with the act of focusing, almost like I can’t even see.  As I sit there, I begin to think that I need to snap myself out of this because you are waiting for me.  I feel the need to push myself because I fear you will become impatient.  It is my job to please others.  That is what I have always done.  I check in with you for “signs” to see what’s expected of me.  I don’t say anything; I just make eye contact and check out your body language and energy.  I look at you and am surprised because you just look back at me very matter of fact.  I don’t sense any impatience.  You seem calm.  I decide that you are okay with what I am doing.  To me, this is a stunning moment as I realize that “there is space for me” and I have permission “to just be.”

Thinking about that this morning made me cry.  I am sure, to you, it was just a simple act of kindness and respect, and many people would not even give it a second thought.  However, men evoke a lot of emotions in me, both positive and negative. I have been treated so cruelly and sadistically by men—and, sadly, by male family members.  This history makes me feel very vulnerable in my interactions with men and can trigger intense reactions inside me. The abuse from my family was not recent, but my body does not know time.  The five years of cancer treatment was another form of abuse to my body.  When I am treated with respect, my body remembers all the times that I was not.  And when you work with my body on the table, things from the past can also be unleashed.  The good news is that it is usually a clearing and not just pointless suffering.  Still it is very difficult for me.

So it is challenging for me that you are a man, but connection is rare and always a gift.  It could be an opportunity for deeper healing.  Again, time will tell :)

Laura